Not Mine to Love
by epsilonvita
Summary: If Logan admitted to James that he loved him, if he admitted it to himself, he wouldn't be able to live with it. His heart would be split, the heart that completed someone else's heart. The heart that he had already given.


A/N: I don't know what happened. I was supposed to be updating my other stories and I am sorry I haven't, but this came to me late at night and I couldn't sleep without writing it down. It's a one shot, I don't think I have the courage to write something else on this. I cried too much while writing it. If you take the time to read it, I would love to see some reviews and to thank you.

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"I love you..." James breathed against Logan's neck, "I need you..."

Logan couldn't form coherent words or sounds. He just closed his eyes and consumed everything James had to offer. The voice in his mind was screaming at him, shouting with ache to stop, to stop it all. Logan wasn't willing to stop. He never wanted to stop despite the 'this is the last time' he said last time and every last time before this. Logan was a liar.

James found Logan's lips, sealing them with his own, stopping every word of regret that would be soon dropping from them. Logan kissed back eagerly, with passion and want, titling his head a bit and opening his mouth to welcome James' tongue. James was already there, open mouth on open mouth, tongues battling between, while James pushed Logan on the mattress and straddled his hips. Logan's mind was fogging, the voice in his mind sounding distant and weak as James slipped his hands under Logan's shirt, caressing his chest and abdomen, touching as much skin as he could from the brunet below. Logan's breath grew heavier with each touch, with each kiss.

His hands moved from James' waist, under his shirt sliding all the way up to his wide shoulder blades. He pressed his open palms on his body as he moved up, the warmth tempting and welcoming. James' muscles tensed under Logan's touch.

The voice in his head was growing louder again as James started grinding his hips against Logan's, creating a perfect friction, releasing some of the tense of their aching erections. The kiss – more like devour – broke for a few seconds as James tugged Logan's shirt over his head, dismissing it somewhere in the room. As soon as it was removed, Logan pulled James back on him crashing their mouths again, the sound of teeth colliding echoing through the small bedroom.

"Stop," Logan pleaded in a whisper, disconnecting their lips and resting his forehead against James'.

"You want me to stop?" James asked softly, his hands moving to stroke Logan's hair.

Logan closed his eyes. The voice in his head was screaming now, begging for Logan to stop, begging him to undo it all, to turn back time and undo it all...

"No," Logan whispered, answering both to James and the voice, "I want you to love me," he opened his eyes to meet bright, loving hazel ones staring right into his own dark ones, right into his soul, "I want you to love me like I am yours."

"Then let me," James whispered back, kissing Logan's eyes, nose, cheeks, every inch of the paler man's face, "Let me make you mine," he added, sealing his words with a kiss on the lips.

Logan swallowed the words James spoke, he wanted to feel them in every bone, every nerve, every cell. He wanted to feel them in his heart, to let them flow in his blood, to spread all over his body. Logan dug his short nails into James' shoulders dragging them down the muscular back, clawing hard enough to break the skin. James groaned from the action, grinding against Logan's pelvis, finding that he needed more.

James detached his lips from Logan's to take his shirt off. Logan never tried to undress the bigger brunet, he never tried to expose skin, he just touched with his lips, his hands, his whole body.

He could never let his heart touch the other boy. He could never give to James what wasn't his to give. It was there, though, his heart, beating so fast, so erratically trying to break free from Logan's body and bury itself in James' chest.

Logan ignored the words of love his heart wanted to speak, he just pulled James close, impossibly close and felt his heart on his own, beating as fiercely as his own. Their hearts were so close, but so far at the same time. There was only bones and flesh separating them, but then there were moments unlived and words unspoken and promises unmade...

Buttons were unbuttoned, zippers were unzipped, pants and underwear were discarded.

Logan was lying on the shared bed, on his back, eyes closed, smile on his lips, hands moving against the mattress as if to make a snowman on the snow. James bent Logan's legs on the knees, pushing them against the smaller male's chest. He kissed his inner thighs, then his navel, then his chest, then his jaw and finally his lips. Logan's hands found their way into James' brown locks and pulled.

"Ahh, Logan, yes~" he groaned moving his mouth on Logan's neck to suck hard, but not very hard. The boy beneath him wasn't his to mark. Logan threw his head back giving more access.

"James," Logan moaned threw heavy breathing, "Please."

"What is it Logan?" James blew air in Logan's ear.

"Prove me that you love me."

"On this bed?" James whispered.

"On this bed," Logan answered firmly.

"But-"

"Make love to me," Logan panted, taking one of James' hands and guiding it over his entrance.

"I can't," James pulled his hand away.

"You could yesterday. And the day before yesterday. And every day of the past week. And every day of the past month-"

"You don't love me," James cut in with watery eyes, "How many times can you make love to someone that doesn't love you back until you break?"

"But I do. You know I do..."

"You do what? That's all you ever say, but I want to hear it. I need to hear it..."

"I can't. I am sorry, but I can't..."

James shook his head and closed his eyes so tight that he saw white. Tears escaped them and rolled down his rosy cheeks only to be kissed away by Logan's lips.

"He makes love to you on this bed, Logan," Logan remained silent. James opened his eyes and looked into Logan's. Brown eyes full of pain and tears looked away from searching hazel ones.

"You wouldn't be in this bed if I didn't feel that way about you," Logan brought his hand up to his face to wipe the tears away.

"My heart aches for your love, it screams for it. Look at me Logan," Logan did, holding in a thousand tears and sobs. The broken heart that reflected in James' eyes, killed Logan, it killed him every time, "I love you."

"Let me show you," Logan choked, the tears stinging his eyes, the sobs right behind his words. If Logan admitted to James that he loved him, if he admitted it to himself, he wouldn't be able to live with it. His heart would be split, the heart that completed someone else's heart. The heart that he had already given.

"Please," James choked and let more tears escape. Logan couldn't bare to see those eyes like this, shattered into pieces. All because of him. He brought a hand behind James' neck and pulled him into a kiss. In this kiss Logan spoke words unspoken and James returned all of them.

In one move, Logan flipped them over, pinning James into the mattress and straddling his hips. Their erections brushed and Logan closed his hand around both of them, making James growl and himself hiss. He moved his hand up and down while his lips moved to James' neck and collarbone. He kissed hard every spot and moved his hand faster, not getting enough of the noises James made.

James moaned his name and then a breathless 'stop'. Logan was starting to feel his own body tensing, his lower abdomen boiling. He released their cocks and placed a kiss on James' sweaty forehead before reaching over him to grab the lube he kept in his nightstand's top drawer.

Suddenly, Logan felt two hands on either side of his torso pulling him back onto James' hips.

"What are you-"

"You said you'd show me," James said sadly.

"And I will, just let me..." Logan trailed off as he reached again for his nightstand this time being stopped by a strong hand against his chest.

"I want to feel you and only you," James stated, his eyes still wet with tears.

Logan sighed, "But it's been so long since-"

"I don't care, I need **you**, your...your love. Nothing else. Please..."

"I don't want to hurt you." Strange how Logan said those words. He regretted saying them because damn if he wasn't hurting James. And the pain in the soul hurts so much more than the physical. So saying nothing more, he put three fingers in his mouth, swirling his tongue around them, coating them with his saliva.

Logan slid back, freeing James' legs and James spread his legs wide before bringing his hands on either ass cheek to further spread them. Logan's shaft throbbed in lust from the sight. This was the second, maybe third time over all those months that he would be the one giving. Showing love. Proving it.

After deeming his fingers wet enough, he brought them over James' exposed entrance and circled it, wetting it around. James' hole was clenching and unclenching around the air waiting for the intrusion. Before pressing the tip of his index finger in, Logan glanced at James' face. His mouth was open, eliciting breaths and pants and whimpers. Somewhere between, Logan heard his name. He pushed his finger in to the knuckle and James hissed, tears falling from the corners of his eyes to the mattress beneath him. Logan withdrew his finger and he pushed in two this time, scissoring them in the process. He left them buried inside for a minute before James' hand closed around Logan's wrist and pulled them out before pushing them back in. James winced and Logan tried to stop the quickening pace for his wrist, but James was stronger.

Logan bent over and kissed James feeling every breath, every tremble in his own body. James kissed him back, he sucked on Logan's tongue and Logan found the strength to pull his two fingers and insert three. James started kissing him more passionately, impatiently, hungrily and released Logan's wrist bringing his hands on Logan's cheek to hold his face there.

The smaller brunet, thrust his fingers in and out of the tight heat and curled them. Once James cried out his name Logan steadied his fingers and with his tips he brushed repeatedly the spot that drove James crazy. James was out of breath, screaming and moaning and crying, begging for Logan to show him.

One last brush and Logan pulled his fingers out, James' body losing some tense. He moved to kiss James' inner thigh and moved down down down over James' loose hole. He held James' legs spread and high and blew air over his entrance before licking a long line over it. Logan kissed the spot and then pushed his tongue past the ring of muscles, gaining a high pitched moan from the trembling brunet. He steadied James' shaking legs and thrust his tongue in and out, making James shout his name.

"Loga-ahhh-n...enough~" James plead and tugged at Logan's hair to move him away from his sensitive area. Logan followed James' guide and landed his lips on James'. After a battle of tongues and teeth and gums, James turned them over and straddled Logan's thighs. He spat in his hands and grabbed Logan's erection coating it thoroughly with his saliva.

"James~god, I can do this," Logan moaned at how skilfully James' hands were working around his shaft. James ignored Logan's words. He continued moving his fists rapidly, circling his thumb over the slit to take advantage of the small amount of pre-cum pooling there.

"Shh," James whispered and Logan jerked his hips into James' touch more. Logan felt like he was being wrapped into an angel's wings. So heavenly peaceful at that moment that he never wanted it to end. But sooner or later it would be over.

Logan's mind was beyond fogged, it was numbed. James was lining himself above Logan's aching erection and Logan damned his eyes for being so blur. He wanted to see James, take in all of his beauty, his features, his expressions; his love.

Logan felt his cock being enveloped by hot and tight heat. James didn't stop to the tip, he lowered himself until he was fully seated on Logan's lap. The sensation was blissful. Logan was a bottom, he rarely topped. And to be honest, he had topped only James. But when he did he completely lost himself. He would lose control, consumed by the ultimate bliss. And that's how James was again on his back with Logan throwing his legs over his shoulders, pounding between his legs.

_Logan, I love you. _

_I will give you my everything, my heart, my soul, my body. _

_Everything._

_Take it all. _

_Please, I will do anything...I love you so much...I'd die for you._

_Please._

These words were playing in Logan's mind every time he buried himself in James. Every time James screamed his name. Logan shook his head, thrusting harder, faster. He tried to smother them in his movements, in James' cries, in the sound the wooden head board would make when it collided in the wall every time Logan surged forward.

_Do you love me, Logan? _

_Do you want me? Do you need me? _

_I will always love you. Want you. Need you. _

_I am yours. _

_Do whatever you want with me. _

_I am all yours._

Logan opened his eyes, maybe the sight of James would bring him in reality away from his heart's words. The brunet was fisting the light blue sheets beneath him, trying to hold onto something, to not fall apart. The voices in his mind were replaced with his moans soon enough, the burning sensation hitting Logan right in the gut. If Logan could move faster, he would. He would rip the boy under him apart.

James screamed Logan's name one last time, ropes of white, hot liquid painting both their chests. His heart was beating like crazy, like it was trying to escape from his ribcage. And James let it out, he setted his heart free to Logan.

"_I belong to you,_" James breathed at the same moment the voice in Logan's mind spoke the same words. It sounded like an echo and Logan didn't know who to listen to. What was real.

He looked down at James before closing his eyes tight and releasing everything his body was holding in and everything his mouth held, "Kendall~" he shouted, thrusting three or four more times into James, coming down from his orgasm.

James felt the load being released in his body, the warmth spreading in him. When he heard the word that dropped from Logan's lips, he felt frozen. His body tensed and Logan pulled out of him, dropping his spent body beside him.

"I love him, James," Logan breathed after a few seconds and started crying loudly, hiding his face in his palms.

James moved beside him and hugged the crying brunet close to his chest. He kissed the back of Logan's neck and he continued kissing lower along his spine. Logan's body was trembling violently, loud sobs erupting from his mouth, "I love you," James whispered between kisses.

"Don't," Logan sniffled through sobs and tried to break free from James' embrace.

"I belong to you, always," James whispered, ignoring Logan's words, and hugged him tighter, kissing his shoulder.

"I am sorry," Logan continued crying, "So sorry," but James continued kissing Logan, tasting the sweat and the trademark flavour of his skin. He would never get enough of it. Logan tried to free himself again, but James held him firmly there, in his arms, "Kendall proposed to me. This morning."

Something inside James died. He was not sure what, but he felt cold again. His heart turned into ash and dropped to his stomach, making it turn. He knew that this day would come, the day that he would lose everything, the day that he would lose his one and only love.

Before he knew what he was doing, he found himself above the toilet bowl emptying everything in his stomach. His body jerked violently, he felt his intestines turn. Tears rolled down his cheeks and into the toilet along with his stomach's liquids. A soothing hand was placed between his shoulders and a wet towel in front of his face. James took the towel without looking up and wiped his mouth. The hand on his back started rubbing circles.

"Are you okay now?" Logan asked and James shook his head 'no' and stood up to walk back to the bedroom. He sat on the side of the bed with his head down. His stomach was still turning, but there was nothing left to throw up. James looked at the nightstand next to him. There it was, the photo of the couple that owned this house, this room, this bed.

James stared at the photo, every inch of it a stab to his heart. It was Logan's and Kendall's very first kiss. It was taken back on the day of their graduation. There were people every where around them, smiles on their faces. He can still remember how crowded it was, cheers and noises a buzz in his ears. And then there were his two best friends kissing like they were the only two people in the entire world. James quickly whipped his camera out of his back pack and captured the moment. The moment that haunted him for the past two years. James has changed. Logan has changed and Kendall has changed. Who they used to be, what they used to feel...all carved on this piece of paper.

A hand was on his cheek, turning his face away from the photo. Logan was sitting right beside him, brows furrowed and worried when he saw the tear stains on James' beautiful face. Before Logan had the chance to speak, James pushed the loving hand away from his face and stood, trying to spot his clothes in the room.

"James, wh-"

"I don't belong here, Logan. Can't you see that?" James cut, voice loud and clear. It didn't match his face though and most of all it didn't match his heart.

"You belong to me," Logan stood as well and walked where James was wearing his underwear. James didn't look up to meet Logan's eyes. He walked to where his jeans were discarded and picked them up.

"I might belong to you, but that doesn't mean I belong **with** you," he replied and tugged on his jeans, zipping and buttoning them. Logan was blankly watching as James dressed and checked his phone, the light of the screen making the tear paths on his face, and the new tear drops that silently rolled down these paths, shine. Logan didn't miss that and moved closer to James, the bigger brunet turning his face away.

Logan stopped at that, he was going for a hug, maybe a kiss, but was it going to make any good? Was he going to stand to see the shattered heart in James' eyes again? Tears escaped the corners of his eyes and he clutched at his heart, "What do you want me to do, James? Whatever you want I'll do it," he whispered because he was hurting and the voice he managed to choke out made him hurt even more.

Logan expected James to turn and leave as he always does when they reach that point and especially after what Logan said about Kendall, but instead he closed the space between their bodies in a flash and held Logan's face in his hands. Logan was surprised by that move, accidentally meeting the bigger brunet's eyes, so much pain reflecting in his own. Hazel eyes were searching for something in Logan's as the two of them remained silent. Logan wouldn't dare to speak or move as he was captivated there and he noticed that James wasn't looking in his eyes. He was looking deeper, down to his soul, behind his heart, in his mind as if he was trying to discover some well hidden secret.

The tears kept pooling in those eyes that Logan loved so much, but they weren't falling anymore. James wasn't even blinking as he now examined every inch of Logan's face, taking in everything he could, the curve of his cheekbones, the lines of his swollen lips, his brows, his forehead's slightly visible wrinkles. Everything was carved in James' heart, memorized and well kept, never willing to let go. His thumbs started rubbing gentle circles under Logan's eyes, Logan closing his eyes at this and bringing his own hands to place them over James'. They savoured every touch, took in each other's warmth, like it was the last time they would ever have the chance to do this. As if it was the end of this affair. Logan felt familiar lips on his eyelids and then a warm breath over his mouth.

"I want you to lie to me," James finally said and Logan opened his eyes, confusion swimming along with the tears in them. He didn't expect such a request from those lips. Why would he? But he promised he'd do whatever James asked him to and so he did.

"I never want to see you again. Y-you make me miserable and-"

"Lie harder."

Logan was searching in his mind for words, for feelings, for promises anything, "I don't need you. I never did. In fact, you disgust me and you are ugly inside and out. I can't stand touching you. Your kisses make me want to throw up and I am dying to push you away right now."

James looked amused for a moment, or so Logan thought, a sad smile on his face after that, "Harder," he requested again and Logan was growing frustrated. His own words were hurting him, how could James want more? What more was he supposed to say? What would be a satisfying lie?

"I-I wish I had never met you. I wish what we have-"

"Harder!" James almost shouted and Logan became anxious, words abandoning him and hitting him at the same time.

"I r-regret everything-"

"Harder!" James yelled and Logan almost panicked. The hazel eyes were growing angry and James' hands were shaking Logan making him sweat in the tight grips.

"Your s-smile is horrible, it's c-crooked and I-I hate-"

"**Harder!**" James shouted again and Logan couldn't take it anymore.

"**I love you!**" he shouted back and broke into sobs as he fell into James' embrace. James' grips loosened and his arms protectively closed around Logan's body as the smaller male cried into his chest.

"Thank you," James breathed and after placing a kiss on top of his lover's head he pulled away.

"Why J-James?" Logan choked, the tears thick running down his cheeks and the forming ones blurring his vision completely. He furiously tried to wipe them away so he could be able to meet James' eyes.

"Because," James brought their foreheads together and whispered the rest of his words, "Now I've got something you've given to no one else but me."

And Logan barely understood those words.

Barely felt James kissing his lips firmly.

Barely noticed James leaving the room and the house.

Barely understood that this was goodbye.

. . . .

One day had gone by since James left. Logan tried to call him, but James' phone number was no longer in use. Logan walked around the house like a ghost. Once James left, he couldn't believe what he had done. He wanted to scream until his lungs grew sore, until his voice disappeared, until his heart stopped. Crying wasn't enough. Not anymore. Something felt dead inside of him and he needed to feel some sort of physical pain.

He deserved it after all.

Logan didn't enter his bedroom after James left. He spent the nights in the living room and on the sofa Kendall picked for them when they moved in. The sofa was a pale green, it reminded Logan of Kendall's emerald eyes. Logan on purpose bought cushions in the lightest shade of brown, just like the colour around the irises of Kendall's eyes. It felt complete.

Logan willed himself to sleep the past night, but he couldn't. He wished for his mind to shut off, the voices screaming in there, haunting him, making him feel even more guilty. He tried to eat some of Kendall's organic vegetables, because they were going to rot soon, but with one bite of the peeled carrot he was throwing up in the kitchen sink. He didn't attempt to eat anything else.

He tried to call James one more time, the female recorded voice informing him for once again that the numbed he had dialled did not exist. Then Logan thought, what if James actually picked up? What if his number was working? What would he say? Would James even pick up in the first place?

Logan must have dialed the number again, but now it was actually calling and before he could even have the time to panic the other end answered.

"_Sweetheart?_" And Logan slapped a hand to his mouth to stop an extremely loud sob from escaping. His eyes stung and he shut them tightly, trying to calm himself, to hold in the cries so he could speak, "_Hello, Logan? Are you there? Baby, what's goi-_"

"I love you very much," Logan cut in really fast but sure.

"_Aw darling, I love you and I miss you,_" Logan smiled at those words, James now forgotten, "_Are you okay?_"

"Yes, Kendall. I'm fine now," Logan replied, "How are you? How's the convention going?"

"_I'm good and the convention's going fine, but it's so boring. I want so badly to be with my fiancé,_" Kendall was probably pouting and Logan was biting his lip so hard trying not to cry at the choice of his future husband's words, "_Are you wearing your ring? I can't stop looking at mine, I miss you so much, Logan._"

Logan passed the phone to his other ear, extending his right hand in front of him to look at his ring finger. Of course he had taken the ring off remembering he was still wearing it when he turned the knob of his front door for James to come in. He had quickly taken it off and tucked it in the front pocket of his jeans and after excusing himself to the bathroom, he went to his bedroom and hid the ring in Kendall's nightstand drawer. While he was making his way back to the living room he rubbed his finger willing for the thin mark around it to fade. James couldn't know. Not yet.

But things turned out otherwise.

"I took it off, had to do the dishes. I don't want to ruin it," Logan lied.

"_Oh okay, but I want to see it on your hand when I come back,_" Kendall sighed, "_I need to go, see you tomorrow. I love you,_" he quickly added.

"Be careful, I love you too," and they hung up, the words of love flowing in the air and making Logan miss his fiancé even more.

. . . .

"J-James?" Logan stuttered in surprise when he opened the front door of his apartment.

James was standing there smiling half heartedly, "Can I uh...can I come in?"

"Uh...um yeah sure," Logan replied in a hurried and unsure tone and stepped aside for James to walk in. Logan closed the door behind him and watched as James made his way to the sofa. Logan followed shortly and sat beside him, "I was worried about you."

"You shouldn't be worried about me," James was staring at the coffee table in front of him, another photo of Kendall and Logan happily splashing each other with water at some beach. Logan noticed and reached forward to knock the frame down on the table.

James turned his head to look at Logan, confusion in his eyes, "Why did you leave like this, James? Without a warning? Without a goodbye? Why did-"

"What did you answer, Logan?" James interrupted and moved closer to Logan. Logan's eyes were shining and his mouth unable to open, "He proposed to you, what did you answer?" he clarified and Logan was about to cry, but really, did he have the right to be the one in tears?

"I...I said yes, but that's not the point, the point is-"

"That's the whole fucking point, Logan!" James snapped, "Don't play with me anymore! You are going to marry Kendall and live a happy life together! And yes, I admit it! I really wish I was him, I wish you loved me like you love him, I wish you looked at me the way you look at him, I wish I was the one you want to spend the rest of your life with! But I am happy for you. I am happy because I know that he will give you what you deserve and I know that he loves you very much and that he'll make sure to prevent any tears falling from your eyes! And this is not fair, you cheating on him. I never understood how you could do this to the person you love. And I can't understand myself either! I let this go on for so long..." James looked down and shook his head, the feelings overwhelming him.

"But James," Logan put a finger under James' chin to make him look at him, "I love you too."

"No! Don't! That's a lie!-"

"It's the truth! I love you! How can I not? I love you, James! I love y-"

"No! Stop it!" James shouted, putting his hands on his ears and shutting his eyes tight, "Liar!"

Logan looked at the boy rocking himself back and forth, squeezing his eyes and his ears. But there was one area on his face that was exposed and Logan did not lose any time. He pressed his lips against his lover's waiting to be slapped or be pushed away, but no. The boy kissed him back roughly and sloppily and he took Logan's breath away. He was surprised, but he didn't mind. So he pushed James back on the couch into a laying position, already feeling the heat traveling south-

Logan was yanked away, James standing up and looking down at him with tears in his eyes.

"I am leaving-"

"No-"

"Yes! I am. I have to put an end to this mistake-"

"Mistake? Am I a...mistake to you?"

"What we've been doing is a mistake."

"But-"

"It's over, Logan." James wiped a tear that escaped the corner of his eye away.

Logan stood up as well and walked in front of James. James was looking him in the eyes trying to suppress any more tears. It was hard. Logan wasn't crying now. He was looking into James' eyes deeply.

"From the way you look at me I see that nothing is over between us," Logan said.

"You are wrong," James replied and looked away, "Goodbye Logan," James added and started walking towards the door.

Logan went after him and tried to grab at his arm, but his hand was only met with air. He reached again, his hand running through James' body as if it was dust. That was impossible, that was-

"James!" he shouted, but James turned the knob and opened the door, Logan attempting one more time to grab at his lover's arm but again he only felt the air. James walked out and closed the door behind him, "James!" he shouted in fear and pulled the door open only to be met with smiling, full of love bottle green eyes.

Logan was ready to faint, his head was spinning and his heart was beating unnaturally fast, "...Sweetheart?" Kendall called with a worried tone but Logan only saw black around him, the voice coming out of nowhere, echoing around him, driving him crazy-

He jumped to a sitting position, sweat dripping down his face, breath erratic and heart on frenzy. A dream, it was all a dream. Or more correctly...a nightmare.

It was dark in the room, the only source of dim light coming from the moon through the blinds. Logan looked at the door behind the sofa he was sleeping on and shuddered.

James...

Saying that Logan was confused, broken, shattered would be understatements. Logan wouldn't admit to himself that he was in love with James. He was though. Logan believed that his subconscious was the only thing reliable when it came to him. His mind and his heart were fighting each other, shouting at him and Logan was driving himself crazy when trying to listen to them.

He didn't want to lose James. He didn't want to lose Kendall either. But he couldn't have everything. That way he was hurting the two people he loved most in this world. So maybe James was right. Maybe his dream was an explanation of what really happened two days ago in his bedroom.

The unspoken words...Logan felt his heart violently beat. It was hurt. He had hurt himself. Himself and James. And it hurt so much because James' eyes had spoken louder that his voice.

Logan stood from the sofa and walked to his bedroom. He opened the door slowly, seeing black. The windows were still closed and the smell of James was still in the air. Logan inhaled deeply, the scent a heal to his heartache. His eyes adjusted to the slight light of the room as he made his way to Kendall's side of the bed. The sheets were still tangled and pulled from all sides revealing the mattress underneath. This room has seen so much love...

Logan slowly pulled the drawer of the nightstand. Kendall was keeping in there everything precious to him; the first valentine's card from Logan, a pair of spider-man socks that Logan had bought for him, the medallion Logan gave him as a present on their first anniversary with a small round photo of their first kiss inside of it. And then Logan saw his engagement ring. He gingerly took it in his hand and slipped it on his ring finger, where it was supposed to be.

Kendall had shown him what love was, had proved to him that it was real. Scientifically, love is just a story about molecules, the organs of his body nothing to do with it. But this was false. The way his heart flew into his chest when they kissed for the first time at their graduation. The ticklish feeling of butterflies in his belly every time Kendall told him 'I love you'. The way his heart found its way beside Kendall's when they first made love. All the silly little moments, the kisses, the touches made his body feel like an electrified wire. Two days ago, when Kendall got on his knee and proposed to Logan, his heart somersaulted, his mind exploded, his eyes blurred.

He belonged to Kendall and Kendall belonged to him.

But James belongs to him too.

He pressed his lips against Kendall's pillow, but the scent of James flooded his nostrils.

"You are free James," he whispered and looked at his ring, "I let go."


End file.
